THE CASE OF THE STRUGGLING BRAIN

Vivi-Mari Carpelan: "My Lovely Brain"
Mixed media collage, copyright 2013.

My latest collage was tricky, it took me quite a while to decide how to express the idea of pressure on the brain. The process was quite tentative and experimental. I scanned loads and loads of images to use and ended up using only very few of them. In the end I chose this strange machine that has a sense of mystery and surrealism to it. It conveys the idea of constant pressure on the brain. The image of the brain is really a map, which underlines the idea of "the map rather than the territory" with the sign X all over it to mark the spots. The X's denote the areas that are troubled, which is basically all of it. The sketchy and inaccurate nature of this old map of the brain reflects the way I see my own brain, i.e. without much knowledge of its actual anatomy. I wanted to address the brain as I've been thinking quite a lot about how this solitary organ, that almost appears to be floating in space, has to manage the rest of the body, and ultimately is the one that takes the blow when life is overwhelming, sensory input isn't processed properly, and sleep isn't restorative. The case of "the map rather than the territory" also highlights the fact that although the brain appears to be the organ that's the closest to our sense of self, it's still an object. I don't believe that the seat of consciousness is in the brain as Dr. Dennet would have it. But unlike in the case of problems with most other organs, if we're brain dead or the brain is severely malfunctioning, we're no longer of any use in this realm.

I wanted to try out the use of crackle glaze so that's what constitutes the ground in this image. The portrayal of a landscape was something that I hadn't planned, but just happened as I was going along. I wanted to underline the sense of illness of the brain, so I added the sickly yellow colour at the very end, holding my breath while I was hoping it wouldn't ruin the image. 

At the core is the rose, symbolising what is still beautiful about my brain and cognition in general, as well as the compassion I have for a part of my body that's struggling to cope with sleep deprivation and medication.

Making it all straight and lined up is difficult for me, I do try very hard but somehow there's always some alignment I manage to screw up. I think in my case the imperfections are part of the work and who I am, and shouldn't be seen as shortcomings. It's not easy for me to accept that there's always something not quite right, but on the other hand imperfection is part of being human and therefore has a place in  the grand scheme of things. Everything these days tends towards the glossy, highly perfected and sanitized... I really want to stay out of that myself. So therefore I continue to try and work by hand, as long as I can. Ultimately, because I'm not able-bodied, my abilities will never be perfect. Human imperfection is something that those who represent the norms of society need to tackle. I speak for everyone out there who has had to concede that they are disabled in comparison with most people who are able to participate actively in society. Not until society embraces its disabled organs, can it become whole.

I have one more image about invisbile illness in mind. After that I think I probably want to change gear and work on a slightly different note. At some point I just have to concede that I have enough images about difficulties and now is the time to look for answers. There is, of course, no guarantee that I can think of solutions in this regard. I mean that expressing solutions to the questions and problems raised through Project X simply may not be possible. We shall see.

One more thing... I few weeks ago I hastily applied for a year long residency for disabled artists at a University just before the deadline. It really was a bit of a tester, and I didn't really expect to get it. I tried not to worry about it too much. I didn't even have time to consider whether I would be able to do such a thing or not. It would have involved spending two days a week on location. In retrospect, I think it's something I might have been able to do, because there was quite a lot of money involved that would have made it possible for me to make it all quite comfortable for myself (easy train rides, nice stays overnight and so on). Getting out there would have picked me up quite a bit. But competition is fierce and some people just know how to apply. They also have track records. Whether their art is really interesting and meaningful is questionable - I don't mean to say it isn't, just that I would probably think very differently from the way the judges view these things. My kind of art still seems to fall outside of neat categories. 

In spite of my intention not to care, the rejection made me feel very discouraged and prepared to give up art, I cried a bit, and then got over it. Recently, I have been thinking about how I could use my own disheartening experiences to help others like me... if I had the resources. It's interesting to ponder, what group of people I would like to support because no one else does, or you end up in a peer group that isn't quite right for you.

EVENTUALLY, IT WILL ALL BE IN YOUR MIND, TOO

Vivi-Mari Carpelan: "Elsewhere, and the Stars Above",
handmade mixed media collage
copyright 2013

After a lot of video editing, I decided I should try and work with some physical media again. I didn't have any specific idea but this is what I came up with this time. Encouraged by the fact that Outside In has invited two of my "Project X" pieces (and very blatant they are too!) to Outside In West in Somerset House, Taunton (July-September), I have decided to try and persevere with Project X and the ideas surrounding invisible illness and fatigue in particular.

You may not have "real" mental issues, and your illness may not be "all in the head", but sooner or later, the issues with a chronically decripit body will get to your psyche. This image is meant to describe the sense that life goes on somewhere else, while the disabled person is a prisoner in a decripit body that they feel less than proud of. And of course, it's not just about what the body looks like (personally, I'm a master of camouflage), but what it feels like to the person in question. The old suite is the emblem of poor body image - can you guess what it originally was? As usual in my art, wallpaper  signifies the idea of covering something up. Red stands for blood (life, energy) and stars for hope and dreams... and where the seat of the life force should be, there's a black hole.

A JESTING REFERENCE TO DAMIEN HIRST... A NEW COLLAGE WITH PHOTOGRAPHS

Vivi-Mari Carpelan: "The Impossibility of Sleeplessness and Damien Hirst isn't exactly making it any better"
copyright 2012

I wanted to do something with my abstract photography for Project X, but I sat for an entire day wondering what the heck to do with it. Eventually, having looked through a lot of imagery that could be used and found a photo we took for something Martin wanted to do a couple of years ago, this is what came about. It then occurred to me that it was very obviously about insomnia. The sense of walking a thin line or trying to balance my existence like a tight rope dancer when my medication is failing is imminent. When I mentioned "the impossibility" to Martin, he said oh be careful, that's what Damien Hirst has called a lot of his stuff. I thought that's excellent, yet another thing to lose sleep over! I mean his success, his money - and I'm not feeling any enormous kinship with his art, haha. In case it's not clear yet, my reference is ironic, if even sarcastic.


"In a general sense, this piece is about the fear of a sudden fall into a state of despair and depression, and how difficult it is to remain balanced and “on top of things”. More specifically this piece is about insomnia, which in severe cases involves constant threats of medication not working any more, while one is being pumped up with habit forming medication in the first place. It's the fear of going insane with severe cognitive and physical impairment and with physical flare ups due to lack of sufficient good quality sleep... and never getting any really useful help from the medical establishment. On top of this there's the sleep schedule which always goes wrong, ie. something disturbs one's routines and tips the wagon so you end up sleeping/dozing/lying around well into the afternoon and always feeling the day goes by while you're simply useless. Managing a condition that happens when you're not looking, is like walking a tight rope, knowing you could fall any time. This piece is part of Project X. When I thought of the name including the word "impossibility" it became a reference to titles by Damien Hirst and his rather (in my mind) undeserved financial success."

All the photos are my own except for that of the bird.

EAT, DRINK AND BE MERRY FOR TOMORROW YOU WON'T DIE

Vivi-Mari Carpelan: "Be Merry for You Won't Die", 60x45cm copyright 2012 

It's time to publicize my recent piece in the series "Project X". I expect to use the cross in all images as the leading thread. Here, I ideas related to fibromyalgia developed. When your tender points are being tested and you're given a diagnosis, very often the doctor will tell you that you have very little to worry about since you won't die from it (the papers have "it won't kill you" spelled onto them). This is a stupid cliche that should be banned. What someone afflicted with this condition has in front of them is a life time of pain, fatigue, insomnia and a general insecurity about the future and how they will be able to cope with life's challenges. Initially, it was going to be a piece about the fallacy of excess positive thinking but this is what evolved instead. Your life, your future, is crossed out, you may try and take a positive stand (and of course you should try your best in this regard) but you are still going to remain in the realm of the unknown and stand on unstable ground, sometimes flattened by the weight of your ailment. 

Medicine, symbolized by serpents, is of no use, of course. One serpent is dead and the other is an imaginary sea creature, perhaps also a symbol of the unconscious and the realm of emotions. Flies and mosquitoes symbolize the irritation and being kept awake that is connected to insomnia. In the early days of the discovery of this condition and others such as ME, people were often told it was only in their head - and of course this happens still today, especially in regards to insomnia. 

The row of black windows indicate the people who don't look, don't see, and don't understand. Black lace could be a sign of mourning but also that the ugly truth is often covered up with a nicer idea of reality.

RELEASING TWO PIECES OF ART FOR "PROJECT X"

Vivi-Mari Carpelan: "Affected by X I (1/2)", copyright 2012

Vivi-Mari Carpelan: "Fragmented by X II (1/2)", copyright 2012

So... after a considerable amount of scanning, fixing flaws on the scans, and stitching all together, I am now ready to release these two recent collages into the world... Having said that, the process was made easier by the fact that I got a scanner for free from Freecycle that is about as good as the old one but is compatible with my reasonably new laptop! It's not a flat one like the really crappy one we tried a year ago. It needs to have space for some depth of field. The only thing is that my laptop is starting to have problems with big files. It's constantly freezing up and it's driving me up the wall... 

I wrote some about the first piece in a previous blog post. The the two pieces, which are two aspects of the affliction with X, feature photos of myself, photos I've taken of the Finnish winter by the Baltic Sea, some medical reports from Finland about my condition and pages from my diary. The pieces is about strength and weakness. The black garments represent the affected areas. The medallion "wallpaper" is as usual a symbol of "cover up", but the cover up is always as elegant as possible so as to counteract what really goes on beneath the surface (pain, fatigue, despair, hopelessness, discomfort, negative body image, etc).

In the first piece, "Affected by X", I'm talking about the dual, conflicting aspects of invisible illness.

Firstly, I think it's quite clear that the condition is not very obvious in these photographs though it's physically present and possible to detect. There is something not revealed as I am partially covered up in black fabric. Not only is it the affliction not obvious, but I also don't really want it to be obvious. Perhaps life would be easier in some ways if people could see what was wrong. On the other hand, most people instinctively strive towards blending in with other people, and not standing out as abnormal. The first conflict is thus the one where a person wishes acknowledgement that they are not up to living a normal life, yet also choose to hide it as much as possible for fear of becoming an outcast, "thrown on the dump". 

The second paradox is that while one is sometimes obliged to give in to one's weaknesses so that one can pace oneself and not overdo the chores of daily life, one often also develops stubbornness and strength of character. Personally, I have always fought the humiliating state of being a weak individual and so the two upper images portray my attitudes of defiance, dignity and fighting spirit. 

Thirdly, there are medical reports that portray the various aspects of illness in an objective, detached way, which is in obvious contrast to the subjective experience of it. These two portrayals may be equally true yet not truly compatible.

The fact is, many areas of the body are affected but not all of them, or only very little. The head and the eyes are definitely areas linked with cognitive difficulties, but the idea of not seeing is also symbolic of inability to perform or the inability of being able to predict what the next moment or next day has in store. Living with such a condition enhances a lack of basic security, and even more so as medicine is of very little help. 

The second piece, "Fragmented by X", is first and foremost about creativity. Creativity helps you find solutions in every day life but can also help analyse problems and set the straight, as well as offer an outlet for frustration. The pages from my diary radiate outwards like rays of a sun. They talk about how I was frequently feeling, where I would go to sit on the cliffs by the sea in order to be inspired, but also about solutions and ways of enhancing creativity in a more theoretical light. On the other hand, entropy seems to be lurking around every corner. The drawings portray men and women whose bodies express fatigue and despair. The phrases that surround them are various complaints that people express in their heads or out loud. The reason these are in Swedish is because I feel I can connect with these ways of expression in a way I can't in English. They express things such as "I'm of no use", "I'm a loser", "I can't go on", "It's hopeless", "I'm so fucking tired", "I wish I was dead", "no one can help me", "goddammit", etc. When I was thinking of various exclamations and general complaints I actually started to feel really bogged down. This is how powerful negative words can be. So in this piece there is the positive strife for a more constructive and creative way of life, and the eternal struggle not to fall prey to hopelessness and despair.

The pieces, which are structured around the X, talk about my background through photos of the Finnish winter; the solitude of the shoreline, the rather harsh climate and the generally speaking rather unemotional environment. Still, it's also an environment that fosters what we call "sisu", i.e. a form of power of will and tenacity that is often considered peculiar to the Finnish. I feel that I can get away from it all in Finnish nature in a way that is not possible in the UK. The other aspect of my identity is the fact that the words are in Swedish. In my next piece, there will be words in English because that particular aspect of my life is one I tend to express in English. Underneath it all, there is a wish to consolidate the various aspects of my identity as I tend to feel rootless and insecure.

They are fairly large pieces and it was as usual very hard for me to focus and get it right. I had to do a lot on the computer, which is tiring, and then cut things very neatly, which is nowadays very difficult as one has to be able to focus well and have very steady hands. I know the handmade aspect shows, but crafting my collages by hand is one of those things that I don't want to give up because I feel that it adds emotional value to them.

POST SCRIPTUM: After some contemplation I have arrived at this summary about the two pieces:

The two pieces form a diptych about the fight against fragmentation of the body and mind. It's is part of a larger project called "Project X", an attempt to make invisible illness visible. X stands for many things, among others "crossing out" and "marking a spot" - here it often denotes an ailment unknown to the viewer. The two images feature photos of myself posing with black garments covering the afflicted areas and unable to see how my life might unfold due to the condition. There are photos I've taken of the Finnish winter by the Baltic Sea (the harsh climate is partly a source of the strength of will typical of people of the North - there is a paradox in that snow symbolizes emotional coldness but can also have a comforting quality), some coldly objective medical reports from Finland about my condition that contrast with my subjective experience, and pages from my diary. The "wallpaper" is a symbol typical in my art, as it represents "cover up".

The first image is about external strength and weakness, the second piece about internal ditto and more specifically about creativity that radiates from the centre. The grids represent the attempt to hold everything together in the face of the pertinent entropy and fragmentation that threatens the afflicted person on a daily basis.  The pieces also speak of a complicated kind of eternal cultural identity crisis and problem with belonging - this is represented by the presence of text in Finnish and Swedish, and the shape of the pieces are reminiscent of the Finnish and the British flags. For instance phrases that surround the drawn characters burdened with fatigue are various complaints that people express in their heads or out loud. They are in my mother tongue Swedish because I feel I can connect with these ways of expression in a way I cannot in English. They express feelings such as "I'm a loser", "I can't go on", "It's hopeless", "I'm so fucking tired", "I wish I was dead", etc. As I was thinking of various exclamations and general complaints I actually started to feel really bogged down - such is the power of negative thought.

'There is something not revealed as I am partially covered up in black fabric. Not only is it the affliction not obvious, but I also don't really want it to be obvious.'

Ultimately, I am on a journey of discovery - is it always possible to triumph over adversity? The challenges of my life have been many, and often I was faced by problems that seemed impossible to disentangle. Very often I did it nonetheless. I want to see if there is a way in which disability not only teaches us about humility, compassion and the value of diversity, but also has a place in a human life that would be lacking in intrinsic value if it was too perfect.

THE ART OF BECOMING HUMAN AND MY NEW ART

Vivi-Mari Carpelan: "Affected by X", copyright 2012

Project "X" marks a change of direction in my art. I got some ideas for new work in a new style, inspired by a lot of encouragement from the disability arts community but also people who support outsider art. If I am to continue doing collages, I feel it has to be for the specific purpose of highlighting social issues through my own life's experience. I have always used myself in this way, I don't feel comfortable moving too far away from the subjective experience of life. However, as this image shows I have decided to be braver in my approach... this photo is not of very good quality and a better one will appear some time soon... 

The work features photos of myself, photos I've taken of the Finnish winter by the Baltic Sea, and various medical reports from Finland about my condition. It was a bit upsetting to work with these reports, that state personal facts with such detachment. The piece is about strength and weakness. The black garments represent the affected areas. The medallion "wallpaper" is as usual a symbol of "cover up". It's fairly large and it was as usual very hard for me to focus and get it right. I had to do a lot on the computer, which is tiring, and then cut things very neatly, which is not my strength (I'm sure a lot of people are familiar with the frustrations of missing a few millimetres where it's really important!). It's mostly handmade so it was a lot to deal with - I refuse to do too much trickery on the computer. It didn't help that the laser printer has some problem with printing black. And my studio is just way too small, and I'm too disorganised when I get inspired! Disability has many faces...

I have been invited to participate in a group show about art related to the metaphysical world of Giorgio de Chirico in Weston Super Mare. Of course, it's right down my alley. I mean not literally, of course, as this seaside town really is out of the way. I have asked other artists whether they thought it was worth it, opinions vary. Sadly I will have to decline because of the submission fee of £ 200. I'm sure it's reasonable but I can't afford it. I will wait until someone wants to represent me and support me rather than just take my money for the privilege of getting one more gallery onto my CV. In any case, I refuse to enter the art game in which the artist needs to be wealthy in order to get represented.

Oh and I finally secured the dates for the Milkwood Gallery in Cardiff, a non-profit gallery and shop. My exhibition starts on the 4th of June and ends on the 25th. The retrospective will mark the end of an era...

Vivi-Mari Carpelan: "Entangled for Life" copyright 2003

THE ART OF BECOMING HUMAN

Retrospective: 10 years of handmade collages

In this exhibition I will be showing as many of my handmade collages as will possibly fit the walls of the lovely Milkwood Gallery. The themes I have been grappling with over the past ten years are mostly emotional, as my attention turned from a more theoretical attitude to life to one that was about living life for real. I was contemplating destiny and expressing feelings of being bound to one that for many reasons I couldn't escape. Ultimately, it was a sense of purpose rather than nihilism, albeit at a price. Life often felt like a kind of sacrifice for the acquisition of greater wisdom and understanding. As always, my images express paradox, as the hard lessons of life usually have a constructive side to them. Learning about emotions is learning how to be more human.