RELEASING TWO PIECES OF ART FOR "PROJECT X"

Vivi-Mari Carpelan: "Affected by X I (1/2)", copyright 2012

Vivi-Mari Carpelan: "Fragmented by X II (1/2)", copyright 2012

So... after a considerable amount of scanning, fixing flaws on the scans, and stitching all together, I am now ready to release these two recent collages into the world... Having said that, the process was made easier by the fact that I got a scanner for free from Freecycle that is about as good as the old one but is compatible with my reasonably new laptop! It's not a flat one like the really crappy one we tried a year ago. It needs to have space for some depth of field. The only thing is that my laptop is starting to have problems with big files. It's constantly freezing up and it's driving me up the wall... 

I wrote some about the first piece in a previous blog post. The the two pieces, which are two aspects of the affliction with X, feature photos of myself, photos I've taken of the Finnish winter by the Baltic Sea, some medical reports from Finland about my condition and pages from my diary. The pieces is about strength and weakness. The black garments represent the affected areas. The medallion "wallpaper" is as usual a symbol of "cover up", but the cover up is always as elegant as possible so as to counteract what really goes on beneath the surface (pain, fatigue, despair, hopelessness, discomfort, negative body image, etc).

In the first piece, "Affected by X", I'm talking about the dual, conflicting aspects of invisible illness.

Firstly, I think it's quite clear that the condition is not very obvious in these photographs though it's physically present and possible to detect. There is something not revealed as I am partially covered up in black fabric. Not only is it the affliction not obvious, but I also don't really want it to be obvious. Perhaps life would be easier in some ways if people could see what was wrong. On the other hand, most people instinctively strive towards blending in with other people, and not standing out as abnormal. The first conflict is thus the one where a person wishes acknowledgement that they are not up to living a normal life, yet also choose to hide it as much as possible for fear of becoming an outcast, "thrown on the dump". 

The second paradox is that while one is sometimes obliged to give in to one's weaknesses so that one can pace oneself and not overdo the chores of daily life, one often also develops stubbornness and strength of character. Personally, I have always fought the humiliating state of being a weak individual and so the two upper images portray my attitudes of defiance, dignity and fighting spirit. 

Thirdly, there are medical reports that portray the various aspects of illness in an objective, detached way, which is in obvious contrast to the subjective experience of it. These two portrayals may be equally true yet not truly compatible.

The fact is, many areas of the body are affected but not all of them, or only very little. The head and the eyes are definitely areas linked with cognitive difficulties, but the idea of not seeing is also symbolic of inability to perform or the inability of being able to predict what the next moment or next day has in store. Living with such a condition enhances a lack of basic security, and even more so as medicine is of very little help. 

The second piece, "Fragmented by X", is first and foremost about creativity. Creativity helps you find solutions in every day life but can also help analyse problems and set the straight, as well as offer an outlet for frustration. The pages from my diary radiate outwards like rays of a sun. They talk about how I was frequently feeling, where I would go to sit on the cliffs by the sea in order to be inspired, but also about solutions and ways of enhancing creativity in a more theoretical light. On the other hand, entropy seems to be lurking around every corner. The drawings portray men and women whose bodies express fatigue and despair. The phrases that surround them are various complaints that people express in their heads or out loud. The reason these are in Swedish is because I feel I can connect with these ways of expression in a way I can't in English. They express things such as "I'm of no use", "I'm a loser", "I can't go on", "It's hopeless", "I'm so fucking tired", "I wish I was dead", "no one can help me", "goddammit", etc. When I was thinking of various exclamations and general complaints I actually started to feel really bogged down. This is how powerful negative words can be. So in this piece there is the positive strife for a more constructive and creative way of life, and the eternal struggle not to fall prey to hopelessness and despair.

The pieces, which are structured around the X, talk about my background through photos of the Finnish winter; the solitude of the shoreline, the rather harsh climate and the generally speaking rather unemotional environment. Still, it's also an environment that fosters what we call "sisu", i.e. a form of power of will and tenacity that is often considered peculiar to the Finnish. I feel that I can get away from it all in Finnish nature in a way that is not possible in the UK. The other aspect of my identity is the fact that the words are in Swedish. In my next piece, there will be words in English because that particular aspect of my life is one I tend to express in English. Underneath it all, there is a wish to consolidate the various aspects of my identity as I tend to feel rootless and insecure.

They are fairly large pieces and it was as usual very hard for me to focus and get it right. I had to do a lot on the computer, which is tiring, and then cut things very neatly, which is nowadays very difficult as one has to be able to focus well and have very steady hands. I know the handmade aspect shows, but crafting my collages by hand is one of those things that I don't want to give up because I feel that it adds emotional value to them.

POST SCRIPTUM: After some contemplation I have arrived at this summary about the two pieces:

The two pieces form a diptych about the fight against fragmentation of the body and mind. It's is part of a larger project called "Project X", an attempt to make invisible illness visible. X stands for many things, among others "crossing out" and "marking a spot" - here it often denotes an ailment unknown to the viewer. The two images feature photos of myself posing with black garments covering the afflicted areas and unable to see how my life might unfold due to the condition. There are photos I've taken of the Finnish winter by the Baltic Sea (the harsh climate is partly a source of the strength of will typical of people of the North - there is a paradox in that snow symbolizes emotional coldness but can also have a comforting quality), some coldly objective medical reports from Finland about my condition that contrast with my subjective experience, and pages from my diary. The "wallpaper" is a symbol typical in my art, as it represents "cover up".

The first image is about external strength and weakness, the second piece about internal ditto and more specifically about creativity that radiates from the centre. The grids represent the attempt to hold everything together in the face of the pertinent entropy and fragmentation that threatens the afflicted person on a daily basis.  The pieces also speak of a complicated kind of eternal cultural identity crisis and problem with belonging - this is represented by the presence of text in Finnish and Swedish, and the shape of the pieces are reminiscent of the Finnish and the British flags. For instance phrases that surround the drawn characters burdened with fatigue are various complaints that people express in their heads or out loud. They are in my mother tongue Swedish because I feel I can connect with these ways of expression in a way I cannot in English. They express feelings such as "I'm a loser", "I can't go on", "It's hopeless", "I'm so fucking tired", "I wish I was dead", etc. As I was thinking of various exclamations and general complaints I actually started to feel really bogged down - such is the power of negative thought.

'There is something not revealed as I am partially covered up in black fabric. Not only is it the affliction not obvious, but I also don't really want it to be obvious.'

Ultimately, I am on a journey of discovery - is it always possible to triumph over adversity? The challenges of my life have been many, and often I was faced by problems that seemed impossible to disentangle. Very often I did it nonetheless. I want to see if there is a way in which disability not only teaches us about humility, compassion and the value of diversity, but also has a place in a human life that would be lacking in intrinsic value if it was too perfect.

THE ESSENCE OF SELF - MORE ABOUT IDENTIFYING ONESELF

THURSDAY, JULY 21, 2011

Self-portrait after heartache, 2009 -  Is this me or a pastiche? 
I thought of a portrait of my glamorous grandmother when I took this, 
it was not a conscious imitation, but an attempt to get away from 
my typical way of putting myself in front of the camera .

TODAY I WILL PONDER CONCERNS REGARDING AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN TEXT AND IMAGE, HOW I SEE THE SELF AND HOW WE IDENTIFY OUR SELF. CAN AN IMAGE OR TEXT TO BE COMPLETELY TRUE OR ARE THEY ALWAYS RELATIVE?

To explore the self, is my artistic mission. Ultimately the aim is to construct and deconstruct the self, to use what feels authentic from a subjective point of view but also look at what I am I expressing outwards with a certain objectivity and see how I could go beyond my comfort zones and limitations. It might be healthy to question one's own identity and see how one might be able to intervene more actively in order to manage one's own development in more constructive directions. What in my life and my artistic expression works well and what is limping?

There is no permanent self. When I began keeping a diary many years ago I attempted to catch myself in that fleeting moment, at best once a day. 24 hours represents the temporal structure that no one can escape. The only thing we do know is that the day begins and ends at 24 hour intervals. Within the framework of this period, we try and cram in all that helps us identify ourselves. How we sleep, how we eat, how we work, how we organize our environment, how we love, what we hate, how we are happy, how we are depressed, how we distract ourselves, and so on. Some people hate themselves, others glorify themselves. To have a truly healthy sense of self is unusual. And if that is not enough quagmire, we must also try and relate to other people who have misconceptions about themselves, and seek to identify ourselves on the basis of how we relate to these people. How can we ever have a clear concept about who we are? The challenge of documenting the self as it "really is", even for a short period of time, was massive and it is not strange that I got tired ... I also knew that I would have to make compromises, including filling some holes in the story by using vague memories, and trying in an honest way to take only what I once long ago inculcated my minds as being a true story (I have clear memories of defining moments in my life while most of my past is hazy). Yet we are meant to be interconnected with the environment. Otherwise we would not have feelings. Emotions is an energy, almost a fluid, which conveys information between us and the external world (to put it simply).

Why was this so important? I wanted to feel that I do not live my life in vain, as a seed in the wind, without making a difference. It is challenging to live - for me there is no automation to hang on, but it all requires both deep thought and effort. It is demanding to be aware of the resistance of the body, or that life does not work like a machinery. I would like to help, but who? With what? I have to accept ignorance - my own and others! Some things depend on who I think I am, others on who I really am. In addition to various roles, there is a self that is relatively constant, a personality that is unaffected by external circumstances. But I can see that I move like a chameleon in relation to the world and what feels constructive. It is perhaps not so much about what I get from others as the point of contact you find when you encounter a common denominator. As Sartre pointed out, you become in the eyes of others. When you're by yourself, there are two options. You can either distract yourself so that you get away from yourself, or you may experience your self as intensified by thoughts, feelings and behaviour. By the end of the day, there no one who can say how much of the stories they tell themselves about themselves, is in fact fictitious.

It's not healthy to spend too much time on your own, you lose some perspective on  the real world, ie. the reality we live in as a collective and that we agree on on the level of the collective consciousness. In the end, paraphrasing various esoteric ways of thinking, one might say that everything is a kind of fiction, one's own life is a creation created to illustrate different ideas or simply to have experiences just for the heck of it. Excessive self-consciousness (most people, however, go through different periods of this in their life) is negative while moments of happiness and self-forgetfulness is positive. "Truth" or the key to happiness is not likely to be at either end of the stick, but somewhere on the golden middle path, in synthesizing a paradox involving subjectivity and objectivity, negative and positive, in a harmonious balance.

Vivi-Mari Carpelan: Self-portrait as a bride 2010

When asked "what kind of person do you want to be?" I say "radiant", yet fully aware of the deep undercurrents that can take me to the exact opposite state of being. Also, that it can be almost impossible to resist the temptation to be an enfant terrible. "A better version of myself" is another desire that may seem quite impossible in practice when you realize how vain it is to force internal change. Change has a tendency to move in accordance with the laws of nature - the human will can only work as a start-up motor.

You can dress up in pretty clothes and pretend that your body is healthy, that you're popular and that life is a success. It can be comforting and uplifting. Disappearing in the masses is frightening for those who have begun to reflect on their identity. But is it me? Maybe it's me in the moment I think it's me. Yet, amidst all this, it is obvious to me that uniqueness, authenticity, and an ever-increasing awareness, whatever it means, is an end in itself,  and how we go about achieving this is our way of life within the framework of this  particular reality.

"Ceci n'est pas une pipe" (Magritte).
It's not me. These are not my regular clothes,
the body does not look like this,
and I do not fit into this particular landscape.
It's just a photo.
Or maybe it is me right now when I am thinking it? 
The life story must follow some sort of logic if we are to survive. 
Therefore we have to cling to different beliefs about who we were, who we are and who we can become.

"This is not a pipe", René Magritte 1928-29 ( From "The Treachery of Images")