Thursday, March 8, 2012


"I Always Wanted to Go There", photograph by Vivi-Mari Carpelan copyright 2012
I have been updating my website a bit, trying to find a way of displaying my photography in sections that make some sense. I decided that most of the old abstracts should be in a separate folder as they the resolution is not that high and so my attempt to show them in A3+ size at an exhibition was not quite as successful as I had hoped. It also taught me that I shouldn't let someone else print my photographs, because even though our friend had time to spare, the result wasn't quite what it would have been if I had had time to experiment on my own. I don't understand why the Arts Council in their Creative Steps programme wanted to give applicants access to printing rather than giving the money for a printer. Surely it's one of those things you must do in the peace of your own home if you're a serious photographer. I also don't see people with physical impairments and what have you run around to printmakers every time they need a print. It's ludicrous. 

I have been working more on my ideas about the shadowy worlds and hope that this will be an intriguing series. I also put all such images on a separate page on my website because they differ from the "trash aesthetics". I don't feel I can disclose what this project is about as yet, other than that it's about the way other people treat objects. We shall wait and see... I hope the metaphysical mystery of objects will be apparent. The series "Beauty in the Rough" is slowly advancing but I will have to make special trips in order to find things to photograph, and so Martin has to have the time for it on a day when I don't wake up too late and the light is favourable.
"Guidelines Lost", photograph by Vivi-Mari Carpelan 2012
"The Presence", photograph by Vivi-Mari Carpelan, copyright 2012
"Once a White Board", photograph by Vivi-Mari Carpelan, copyright 2012

I have been asked to give two talks about the way my condition is reflected in my art at two Disability Arts Cymru launch events in May (3rd and 16th of May 2012 at Y Galeri, Caernarfon and Mold, FlintshireClwyd Theatre Cymru at 2.30-4.30 - there are other artists talks as well). The truth is, public performances terrify me, yet I do what is important to do, and am obviously honoured to be asked. In fact, my fear of speaking to people on the phone has increased since I got all those rejections - I am especially terrified of calling up galleries and finding that I have been rejected, that they are not interested, or receiving some other form of negative feedback. Making calls or giving talks takes a toll on me, I often psyche myself up for days or alternatively, decide to go for it as soon as I get up in the morning so that I don't have to wait around and get jittery. Still, there are calls and performances that cannot be avoided, and I try and limit my life as much as possible. But it was very clear that all this bothers me a lot. Fear is a parasite that digs its ugly snout into you the more vulnerable you feel, and is very hard to get rid of.

Yesterday we went to the MOMA Wales gallery in Machyntlleth to discuss the exhibition that was loosely promised to Martin's illustration project. He thought I should come along so that I could be introduced at the same time. I felt extremely awkward, not knowing when I could inject something about myself and whether it would be seen as rude. Martin apologized for not having thought of this beforehand. He did introduce me after they had agreed on the space by the road for next May, but I sensed that Ruth, the director, was probably feeling a bit overloaded and didn't want to make plans for years ahead when the main gallery spaces are available. She was sympathetic to my proposition but when we got home the fear of rejection struck quite badly again. I have lately been thinking about post stress syndrome again, because someone brought it up... I feel that difficult experiences just dig themselves deeper within me. On the one hand some things are getting easier, such as superficial socializing, but on the other some things are getting harder due to negative feedback. Martin keeps telling me that people promise all sorts of things... he always says he'll believe it when he sees it and the money is in the bank. I'm not that used to that kind of mentality and it bothers me a great deal.

I have entered the Saatchi showdown for Abstracts, this time I am certainly not going to be worrying about it. The rules have luckily changed, still I have no hopes as I know that it's usually boring art that wins, haha. Voting begins on the 13th.

"Helloo...?" mixed media drawing
 by Vivi-Mari Carpelan copyright 2000

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